The Saturation Point: My Latest Challenge

Hello, everyone! This post is going to be a little short this week, because I have mountains of studying and reading to do for my summer school class.

Lately, I have been feeling like a terrible mother. My stress level has been higher lately, as I am feeling a lot of pressure, mostly from school. In times like this, I have a very hard time being patient and tend to get irritated easily. I feel more and more that the way that parents are supposed to do things here in this country is absolutely atrocious: minimal to zero support, expected to juggle a billion things with little to no assistance, and still be able to make sure their child turns out well-adjusted and not a psychopath. It is a responsibility and expectation that is achieved, certainly, on a pretty regular basis, but often at the cost of extreme stress levels and psychological pain on the part of the parents. So, is it really working? Is it really healthy? I say, no.

I love my son dearly. But I have come to realize recently that a major reason that I have such a short fuse these days is that, ever since he was born, I have sacrificed more of myself than I was capable of doing. In the beginning, I was caught up in the adjustment and the hormones and being able to accept that it was going to be such a short time in his life that things would be this way. Well, at this point, one and a half years later, I am unable to get five minutes of time to myself during the day, not even during naps. I still have to hold him in one arm and wipe myself with the other arm and then do this insane dance to get my pants back on when I go to the bathroom, or he screams at me. I still have to interrupt my small amount of study time in the mornings once or twice to go back into the bedroom and nurse him back to sleep. I have to figure out how to floss while supporting his head while he nurses on my lap, and wash my face hunched over to hold him at the same time when I get ready for bed. Basically, it’s very difficult, especially now that he weighs more. And I find that my patience is very thin most days and even the tiniest thing will topple it over.

I link this all back to being at my saturation point. I have no more of myself to give. I worry constantly that I am ruining his life, and that he will grow up to be neglected and feel unloved and unwanted. And if someone with the best intentions can feel this way, I shudder to think of what some other parents are going through, all the while expected to put on a face of “this is the greatest time of my life!”, once again, without the support to make it so.

I have gotten to the point where I am willing to pay someone to watch him two or three times a week, so that I can try and re-balance myself, since my repeated attempts to ask for and find positive help without the enticement of money have failed. Because my sanity and my son’s well-being have to be a bigger priority to me, or one or both of those things are going to break and shatter into a million irreparable pieces.

I just feel like I can’t go on another month like this, or it will be very bad for everyone.

I know this post has a very negative tone to it, and there are plenty of nice moments throughout my days, so it isn’t all doom and gloom. But I know that my stress is telling me that something needs to change, and I can’t continue not to listen to it. Nothing that I have been trying is working enough to recharge me so that I can be the kind of mother I really want to be. I just physically and emotionally am completely spent, like an old battery that runs low with the slightest of use.

I am posting this in the hope that it helps other parents not to feel so alone. The “Too bad, just deal with it” attitude of our Western, money-hungry society toward parents is not natural, or healthy, or acceptable. You are not a terrible person for wanting and needing more assistance. The things we are expected to do are not normal, as is evidenced by all the people on medications for depression and anxiety and a plethora of other maladies.

Don’t be afraid to find a way to be healthy again, including talking to someone about your feelings. Pretending things are fine does not make it so, and you are only further hurting yourself and the people you care about, and society as a whole. Lots of love and hugs.

 

Have you had feelings like this? What did you do about them? What advice would you give someone going through something similar? Please leave a comment in the space below; we would love to hear from you!

 

Encouraging Empowered Mamis Everywhere To Do What They Do

Mami

Mami is an artist, aspiring entrepreneur, and first-time, full-time mother. She enjoys long walks with Mr. Sweetie, good food and cooking, her family and dear friends, writing, arting and crafting. She doesn't know everything, but wants to learn, and loves to do research and share what she finds. She thinks life is like a box of puzzle pieces: you keep trying until it fits, because every piece has its place. She owns and operates whatever she sets her mind to, and knows that the sky is only the limit if you haven't left the ground yet.

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